It’s been almost 4 years since I started searching. The task wasn’t easy, rather daunting actually, because, I didn’t know what I was searching for; you think trying to find a needle in a haystack is hard? Try looking for something when you don’t know what it embodies, if it’s tangible or even exists.
The first year, I looked to the earth, in all its wonder. I looked from the mountain tops, from the beautiful snow-capped mountain tops that made me feel like I could touch God with my hands. I flew down in freedom, releasing the 100 lbs of bricks that I was carrying, with every swish, they would fall off, one by one. Through the snow covered trees in and out like a maze, wind in my face and sun on my shoulders…it felt like nothing could stop me. I didn’t find it in the mountains, but it spurred the journey.
As the snow melted, I yearned for the same feeling, so I pounded out the search in other physical directions, Tae Bo, Nia, tennis, running, anything that would let me release it all. And you know it wasn’t there either, but I was stronger, faster and ready to keep on with my search…my quest….my knowing, that there had to something out there, and I was going to find it.
Sometimes you have to stop looking outwardly and start looking inwardly. This was my next quest. But I wasn’t so good at this, I looked in, saw nothing and gave up. I looked outwardly again, trying to maybe see what others saw, trying to comprehend what was on display and taking cues from expression. As disappointing as it seems, when you have nothing to give, nothing comes back to you either. But I knew it was out there, it had to be, just had to be!
Although, I was convinced that my gem, my discovery, my search was going to be fruitful, I grew weary of swimming up stream. I began to convince myself that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for and for that, I was deeply saddened. I had given up the quest and resigned myself to blend into the world. It didn’t seem as though others were troubled by this, maybe it was true that I was making it too hard. That I was looking for something that didn’t exist. If it was blue, I was blue. If the world was flat, then who was I to argue? But after time, I realized, that is not authentic, that is not me, that is not what all the conviction that burns in my belly was to be used for, there needed to be people like me in this world. People that will swim up stream, people that will shoot from the hip-whether that evokes a laugh or a tear. People that will go out into the world with a voice and a gift and invoke dancing souls.
And so the calendar turned again….and oddly enough, this journey started in September 2006 and gave way to beautiful discovery in September 2009. There must be something about September. Here’s the good news…I found it. Yes, I found it, I found what I had been searching for consciously for the past 4 years, subconsciously maybe for 40. Oh right, you are dying to know what it is; it’s red, massively expansive, it gushes and it breaks, but you know what….it keeps growing, and it keeps filling up, and somedays, it feels like it might burst. It is tangible, it exists and it embodies all things wonderful -love, laughter, light, energy, passion, forgiveness, happiness, sensuality, it truly is endless what it embodies. And the best part about it is, it’s mine, I can keep it to myself, I can give it away freely, I can put it into the world as a beacon of light. I searched the world for what I had all along…..a beautiful heart. Funny thing is, I didn’t find it….someone brought it to me and said, you may have lost this along the way and by their beautiful expression, I knew I had it back for good.
The journey just keeps happening, everyday, thank God. And here is what I have found, I LOVE the journey; you don’t know when it will twist and turn, when it will delight your senses and kiss your existence, you don’t know who comes along for the ride and how long they will stay. The journey, it keeps coming and you know what I say? I say, bring it on!