Do you know what it feels like to lose something?  Something that is really important, something that makes your heart full, puts a smile on your face, something that quite possibly has influenced your life for a decade?  It feels awful.  Whether it is right or wrong, whether you choose it or someone else chooses it for you, it just simply hurts.  Life goes on, the sun still comes up and yet, here you are faced with a major feeling of disorientation.  Because now you are not part of “something” anymore, your team has been disenfranchised, your show has ended, your band-well it broke up.

I think the part that is truly the hardest, is swallowing your pride to admit that you lost.  But, the other part is that you just didn’t have what it took to close the other person, you couldn’t make the sale and convince them that you were worth it, that you were part of the reason that the sun came up everyday.

So you are left to put the pieces back together, to start over or do you think that when you get to the fork you just veer?  Or do you think you have to go back to the place you started.  I suppose you’ve come too far to ever go back.  The journey before you might be more exciting than the one behind you, but you have to forge that journey and to do that, I suppose, you have to get out of bed.

Here’s another question, why is it that people act like they have no idea how this feels?  Wouldn’t you just simply think of the person you love the most-stomping on your heart, slapping you in the face and slamming the door?  How can you not be empathetic, is just seems callous, really.

As a woman, that is constantly striving for the best, trying to be successful, planting her feet on the ground, so her child see’s stability, and keeping “it” (read: sanity) all together, yet, this still is not good enough, it will never be good enough because we will enter into another relationship of giving, always giving and never getting, never getting the one thing that would make all the difference in the world…love.

So without jumping up and down screaming pick me, pick me, I guess they will never know what they missed out on and you know what?  It was a lot.

No one really told me what I was getting into, when Jax announced that “he wanted to play hockey” sure, I thought, soccer was getting a bit boring and I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my summer Saturday’s to wake up at 6:30am for swim team, so hockey, I thought, sure babe, you can play hockey!  If I could go back with a dog net and scoop up those words, toss them into the abyss, I would ever be so happy!

First of all, do you know the “gear” that is involved in this sport, WOW, let’s just say $400 later and 20 minutes to get a seven year old dressed to go out and run on ice is unbelievable.  Now that is just the half of it.  We get to the first couple of practices, holy crap these kids are GOOD!  Did the parents enroll them in hockey in the womb?  How do 7 year-olds skate that well?  Yeah, I’m just jealous, but I was still astounded!  Jax did very well, for never having any formalized skating lessons!  The kid just generally rocks!  Hopefully he will appreciate that later in life!

This brings me to the scheduling-REALLY- I am going to be at this rink 4 times a week?  And not 4 consistent time’s mind you, but it was explained to me that you don’t want to be the poor schmuck that gets stuck with the 5:30am ice time every Sat. morning.  OK, I guess!  At this point, I am seriously thankful I only have one child!  The other part of this whole charade, is you have to sit in the rink and “watch” your kid.  This would be great, except it’s like 20 below zero in there.  And this lasts until March!  My scarf collection is growing!

I would do ANYTHING for Jax-including helping him put on 15lbs of pads and tying skates to go run on ice with a stick in his hand chasing after a small puck that no one can ever see.  Although, I do recall, for the past seven years, telling him not to run with a stick in his hand…hmmm this could get complicated!

Three weeks into school, things are going well, routines getting established, days getting shorter, already scratching my head at what to pack for lunch everyday, but those are the perils of school days and I don’t mind it so much really.  It is very enlightening to hear what Jax has learned everyday and the facts that he spews at me, I am learning things all over again.  And truthfully, that’s not so bad.

Took a nice weekend to Grand Lake, just me and Jax and a handful of friends for a nice birthday celebration weekend for my BF.  Two other kids were there, and I have to say, two of the nicest, well-behaved, sweet, smart, beautiful kids I have ever been around.  Now, if you know me at all, that quite possibly, might be the nicest compliment I have ever given to anyone at anytime.  It was fun to watch them interact, three kids, two age 7, one age 5, now picture this, a whole weekend, no fighting, no crying, no whining, what?  Impossible you say?  I don’t lie!  I want to clone these kids.  Girl one:  Beautiful, sweet, engaging, I mean really just a dear.  Boy one (age 7), witty, creative, clever, leader, good qualities!  Boy two (age 5), CUTE, beyond cute, great follower, happy to be involved, funny, giggler-you see what I mean, great mix.  The adoration that was displayed between three young children, is something we could all learn from.  They smiled A LOT (happiness) , they took turns (respect), they found countless things to do without a TV (innovative), they hugged a lot (love) and they all shed a tear when it was time to leave (bonded).  So, I guess what I am getting at, is for starters, what a nice display of children, and secondly, I really wish all my relationships were like this.  Especially the one’s of utmost importance.  We, as parents, as spouses, especially, could all take a cue from these kiddos.  Respect, adoration, happiness, innovation and most importantly love.

Take time to hug the ones you love, to tell them how much they mean to you, to reflect that in your voice, to lift them up and make them feel like a hero and to live life in love-with yourself, your partner and your interactions.  Maybe, through the eyes and heart of a child.

I was awoken to my phone chiming at me at 6:58 a.m. no one really calls that early unless something is awry…I notice the number, big smile on face (yes, before coffee), dial back the number and hear yes, you are an auntie!!!!  YIPPEE!!!  Baby boy Tharan, now officially called Zackary Ryan Tharan, born on September 2, 2008 at 5:00am.  Here’s the thing, the family you GET to pick is sometimes so much better than the family that is bestowed upon you!  For starters you didn’t fight like hell over the bathroom growing up, you didn’t have to draw an imaginary line in the car on the roadtrip from hell…you get the point.  So although, I am a surrogate auntie, a proud auntie nonetheless!

Jax, also very excited about Baby T, is awaiting his visitation after school.  Zackary, you are one lucky dude to have Jax as your older friend, he has A LOT to teach you and share with you.  First things first, sleep.  Gotta sleep kid, lots to do during the day!  OK, I think he can wait at least a month to teach you the rest!

A lot of love in our lives right now, some lost, some gained, but love nonetheless and that’s a pretty good place to be.  Hey Zackary, you are in excellent hands, I couldn’t be happier with your pick of parents!

On the drive to school today, I noticed that Jax was being somewhat, hmm, shall we say, GRUMPY!  So, I braced myself, “babe, something wrong?” Nope, scowl.  Really?  Weeeeelllll, yes. Anything, tell me anything, just spit it out, because I don’t like grumpy at 7:45am without coffee. “Well you have been gone every night this week (it’s Tuesday), yes, I have.  Honey, (count to 10, deep breath) it is the Democratic National Convention, it is a once in a lifetime event that will take place in your city, history in the making, the first African-American nominee for President, 45 year anniversary of MLK’s “I Have A Dream” speech-ding, we have a winner!  He hones in on MLK, eyebrow goes up-facts spew out…I know MLK, I know his speech, I studied all about that in 1st grade, we sang this song about it…. So that is why I have been gone.

Then it occured to me, he really should go down and see all the excitement.  So, this afternoon we headed on the lightrail to downtown to immerse ourselves in the scene.  Right off the light rail, a lady hears my husband and Jax talking about Biden, where he was from, if we were going to see him, etc.  She immediately walks over and is so jazzed that we would bring our kiddo downtown, that she showers him with chatchkies, buttons, pens, magnets, etc. Off to a good start for the history fieldtrip.  If you don’t know, kids love stuff, don’t really care what it is, as long as it’s stuff and it’s theirs!  Onto the Solar House, Electric Cars, Solar Ovens (big hit, they have cookies). Then down 16th street mall, cops on horses, protesters…awe we are losing him, time for ice cream.  Rebooted, Nancy Pelosi sighting on Larimer, swat team hanging off SUV’s (highlight).  Pictures with Barack (OK cardboard Barack, but Barack nonetheless).  All in all, great evening and I felt good that as a parent, regardless of my political views, that I exposed my child to the world, the world of politics, and the experience of a lifetime, truly!

Go Obama-We think you ROCK!

This was the question I was asked on the way to school this morning.  Me: Is that like a wet blanket?  Jax: A what? Me: OK, nevermind…what are you asking me?  Well, a wet sponge listens, takes in facts, thinks about things, formulates burning questions and is in a constant state of curiosity.  Hmmm.  What is a dry sponge?  Someone who doesn’t think at all and can’t absorb new ideas.  What are you honey?  Mmmmmooooommmm, of course I am a wet sponge, my mind is always working!  What am I?  Moist.  Thanks, babe!

I LOVE second grade!  4 days in, and he is a soaking wet sponge, that’s fantastic!  As I thought about that today, it is very true.  What am I doing everyday to be a wet sponge?  So, as luck would have it, I had a good little creative chit chat with some very interesting wet sponges this morning and truly it broadened by horizon ten-fold.  I came away with another way to look at something, my box door was opened, sunshine flooded in, the wheels were a spinnin’ and maybe an idea was formed.  I will keep you posted if it was a brilliant idea or just an idea, but all the same, I like to be a wet sponge too!

I would challenge you to inquire about one thing, maybe something you have always wanted to know about, maybe something that you have been wondering about.  Find the answer, find out why, find out how to integrate that into something you are passionate about.  If you are having a “dry sponge” moment, find a second grader, I can guarantee your sponge won’t be dry for long!

My kid’s school is interesting in the fact that every and I do mean every parent shows up for the first day of school festivities at 8:00 a.m.  The camera’s were going like crazy, the kid’s are all spit shined, backpack’s on that are bigger than they are, squealing at their friends and all looking forward to lunch and recess!

There was more of the “how was your summer” BS that took place and then there is always that handful of kids, gripping their parents leg and howling like they are fixin’ to be thrown in a wood chipper.  You just want to say, “hey kid, it’s kindergarten, that equals recess, lunch, recess and playdough if you’re good.  They don’t bring out the scissors until at least October, so unleash your madness and give your parent’s a frickin’ break.”  Of course then there are the kid’s that are saying that to their parents as well!  “Mom, pull it together, I’m 5, at least I’m not a Chinese gymnast that has to live in a camp my whole life and see you once a year, we’ll be back on this playground by 3pm!” Are you going to be OK? Promise? Promise?

Some parents stroll off the playground and wonder what in the world they are going to do until 3pm, not me, I wore my track shoes and I was off.  It was like an episode of Amazing Race, where can I go and how much can I get done before 3pm? I wanted to by the plane ticket to Chile, but I only had seven hours!  And hence, another school year begins!

Consequently, I played that song “I’m free” by the Stones, ALL DAY LONG!

So this morning, this rainy Saturday morning, Jax wakes up with “what are we doing today” and then repeatedly slams that thought at me for the next 2 hours straight.  Coffee, need coffee.  I was NEVER a self entertained kid, ever.  So, I do get his need for entertainment, however, I also now understand why my Mom was the way she was, when I was looking for entertainment!

Breakfast, ok, that will kill an hour at least, sweet off to breakfast.  The Olympics are on at the restaurant, so the barrage of questioning starts, where is Belarus? When did badminton become a sport and why?  Why are the the Chinese playing the Chinese (head tilt), can I have french fries for breakfast and pancakes? One man rowing, better than one arm rowing, on and on and on…and so finally back to the beginning, um I think Belarus is a spin off of the USSR, uh shit…why did I go there…and they start again.  So finally I say, my God, child does your brain hurt?  “No, it’s built for speed!”

And people ask, “Was your summer long enough” hahahahahaha!

Sorry, Mrs Smith and Mrs Miller, hope you have a FANTASTIC school year and I hope YOU spent your summer on the internet, or else you had better get busy!

Sun, please come out tomorrow!  PLEASE?

Tonight was the “Watermelon Social” as my son’s school calls it, a small gathering to hangout, see your friends, find out who your teacher is for the upcoming year and see which kiddos are in your class.  It also consist of a load of parents standing around asking how your summer was at nauseum and either rejoicing in the fact that school starts on Monday or lamenting in the fact that summer just wasn’t long enough.  I haven’t decided.  I was sick of talking about my summer however, it reminds me of my childhood when on the first day of school you always had to write that paper, “what I did this summer”.  “Well, I toured Italy with a Countess, rode my pink pony through the hills of France, visited with Willy Wonka and had an ice cream parlour installed in my house!”  Geez, Mrs Johnson, what in the hell do you think I did this summer?  It is 1976, I ate a crap load of bologna sandwiches and played in the sprinkler in my front yard, not a newsworthy story does that make-but thanks for asking.

So, as I think of those memories, I tried to make some better ones for my kid, but I have to say bologna turned to ham and the sprinkler became the neighborhood pool, if it wasn’t for his fantastic twice a week nanny he wouldn’t have read, tie-dyed, made homemade ice cream and rode his bike countless miles around the block.  Thanks, Christina!  But you know we tried.  So, was summer long enough? Yeah, I would say we are one bologna sandwich over our limit.