It’s been almost 4 years since I started searching.  The task wasn’t easy, rather daunting actually, because, I didn’t know what I was searching for; you think trying to find a needle in a haystack is hard? Try looking for something when you don’t know what it embodies, if it’s tangible or even exists.

The first year, I looked to the earth, in all its wonder.  I looked from the mountain tops, from the beautiful snow-capped mountain tops that made me feel like I could touch God with my hands.  I flew down in freedom, releasing the 100 lbs of bricks that I was carrying, with every swish, they would fall off, one by one.  Through the snow covered trees in and out like a maze, wind in my face and sun on my shoulders…it felt like nothing could stop me.  I didn’t find it in the mountains, but it spurred the journey.

As the snow melted, I yearned for the same feeling, so I pounded out the search in other physical directions, Tae Bo, Nia, tennis, running, anything that would let me release it all.  And you know it wasn’t there either, but I was stronger, faster and ready to keep on with my search…my quest….my knowing, that there had to something out there, and I was going to find it.

Sometimes you have to stop looking outwardly and start looking inwardly.  This was my next quest.  But I wasn’t so good at this, I looked in, saw nothing and gave up.  I looked outwardly again, trying to maybe see what others saw, trying to comprehend what was on display and taking cues from expression.  As disappointing as it seems, when you have nothing to give, nothing comes back to you either.  But I knew it was out there, it had to be, just had to be!

Although, I was convinced that my gem, my discovery, my search was going to be fruitful, I grew weary of swimming up stream.  I began to convince myself that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for and for that, I was deeply saddened.  I had given up the quest and resigned myself to blend into the world.  It didn’t seem as though others were troubled by this, maybe it was true that I was making it too hard.  That I was looking for something that didn’t exist.  If it was blue, I was blue.  If the world was flat, then who was I to argue?  But after time, I realized, that is not authentic, that is not me, that is not what all the conviction that burns in my belly was to be used for, there needed to be people like me in this world.  People that will swim up stream, people that will shoot from the hip-whether that evokes a laugh or a tear.  People that will go out into the world with a voice and a gift and invoke dancing souls.

And so the calendar turned again….and oddly enough, this journey started in September 2006 and gave way to beautiful discovery in September 2009.  There must be something about September.  Here’s the good news…I found it.  Yes, I found it, I found what I had been searching for consciously for the past 4 years, subconsciously maybe for 40.  Oh right, you are dying to know what it is; it’s red, massively expansive, it gushes and it breaks, but you know what….it keeps growing, and it keeps filling up, and somedays, it feels like it might burst.  It is tangible, it exists and it embodies all things wonderful -love, laughter, light, energy, passion, forgiveness, happiness, sensuality, it truly is endless what it embodies.  And the best part about it is, it’s mine, I can keep it to myself, I can give it away freely, I can put it into the world as a beacon of light.  I searched the world for what I had all along…..a beautiful heart.  Funny thing is, I didn’t find it….someone brought it to me and said, you may have lost this along the way and by their beautiful expression, I knew I had it back for good.

The journey just keeps happening, everyday, thank God.  And here is what I have found, I LOVE the journey; you don’t know when it will twist and turn, when it will delight your senses and kiss your existence, you don’t know who comes along for the ride and how long they will stay.  The journey, it keeps coming and you know what I say?  I say, bring it on!

Jax says some funny stuff….if you are around him for any length of time, you would know and you would laugh.  He makes my eyes sparkle, and he relaxes my smile and he gives me a peaceful heart.  I love him for his quick ass wit, his compassion for people, his willingness to explore and adventure and most of all how he engages in conversation.

He had mentioned to me last week, as I was sitting at a table with some friends, Mama, how come you are so fun around other people and when you’re just with me, you’re always ‘thinking’.  Which, did get me thinking.  I want him to know how much I enjoy him and his company, sometimes my fun is too adult for him…but I need to get on the level with him so he knows that he is such a huge piece of me.  I mean, really a huge piece of me.  He has no idea that it is like looking in a mirror not only physically but straight into his soul.

That night, he did something, that really will forever be etched in my heart.  As I was sitting chatting with friends, he went with my Mom to a store and bought, with his own money, a silver heart that says, ‘Peaceful Heart”.  Mine melted.  This kid, holy shit, this kid….he is something else.  He is my hope and my future, he is my love and my heart.  He makes me softer and kinder and full of amazing energy-I just hope he knows how much.

And so in my quest to be more fun, I drove him to school today with a pink wig on and a tutu!  I don’t think that was what he meant….but hey you take what you can get!

I love you kid.

My last post about Julia Child and her quest for something to do, inspired me in a way I didn’t imagine.  I was feeling like I had to start over….but then, I went to Palo Alto with Chicks and fell in love with my project all over again.  I am a people person, I like to be around people-they inspire me.  All kinds of people…whether it is brilliant women, amusing kids, men that I can connect with and share a laugh-as well as writers, speakers, artists, musicians, etc.  But I have realized that I love people-people with good energy, creative minds, warm hearts and amusing spirits.  I try everyday to embody that package.

So in becoming re-inspired-I saw it with my own two eyes.  I was interviewed in Palo Alto about Chicks and I saw the twinkle in my eye and the passion that oozed out of me when I was speaking about what I am trying to create and truly I was surprised by what I saw. I inspired myself.  Yes!  You can see for yourself here. I was also completely inspired by women who are highly educated, creative, have a quest for knowledge, a heart to share what they know and a humble spirit.  Truly awe-inspiring.

When you walk like a duck, talk like a duck, you’re a duck!  Meaning, I believe in myself, I believe in what I am doing, I believe that the ultimate reward is all the amazing people that have been placed in my path, this journey…is inspiring! Once I reengaged both mentally and emotionally in Chicks, the doors swung wide open.  I have met the most incredible people in the past month.  And you know, it’s funny, it’s people “with good energy, creative minds, warm hearts and amusing spirits.”  Sometimes you are a magnet for what you want in your life.  I’ve had a rough couple of years, but I wake up everyday and say to myself, “you are blessed, you are loved, smile and get out in this world and be a light”.  Beats the hell out of the rat hole you can let yourself crawl down.

Be inspired, be the inspiration, find what inspires you and dig deep to see how you can inspire people to be the best they can be, and to see themselves in the same beautiful light you see them.

I went to see the movie Julie & Julia last night, which was good fun, but also spurred me on to start blogging again.  The character Julie spends a year blogging and cooking her way through the Julia Childs cookbook.  She achieves a personal level of success at the end, because she actually completes a project-this-I-identify with completely!

I have spent the last year working on Chicks who Click, a social media conference for women.  It was launched in Boulder in January, had a great turnout, feedback and lots of encouragement to take the “show on the road” as they say.  So with some turnabout, reorganization, etc…the show has gone to Kansas City, Vancouver and now we are heading to San Jose this weekend.  Unfortunately, with the economy or lack of interest of women in social media, I’m afraid this show is going to be sidelined.  It’s been a terrific project and the traction has been fabulous.  I have been asked to contribute to a book, been interviewed for several blogs, articles and the like, but I’m afraid Chicks who Click will probably be nesting for the rest of 2009.

Which brings me to a blank slate.  This is the transition period that I always hate the most.  I feel like I just keep recreating myself which in some people’s minds is fantastic, but for me, it weighs me down a bit.  I’m glad I have the financial means to get to replenish the canvas of my life every 9-12 months, but I want to keep driving for a the same goal, I just don’t know what that goal is, except to have something to do, do it well, make an impact..I know, seems easy enough.

Much like Julia Child in real life and the movie, she started cooking to “have something to do”—who knows, maybe I will end up being a celebrity of some sort as I search through life for my “something to do”!

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Social Media a Passion for Denise Smith

I heard something this morning and it stuck.  The pastor of the church I attended today was talking about Triple A relationships.  He used this in somewhat of a different context, but it did make me think about the relationships in my life and if they were Triple A?  The Triple A is Authentic, Affirming and Available.

I have a lot of acquaintances, a handful of great friends and one or two best friends.  But this is an interesting question to pose, when thinking about the relationships in your life.  And at certain passes in your life, do you evaluate these relationships?  I always think people will be in my life forever.  I hate things to end.  I hate things to change.  But you know what?  They do.  And every time they do, I am extremely disappointed.  I try to enter every relationship by being completely authentic, affirming my friends that they are the best and being available-emotionally, mentally, and physically available to make the most of these relationships.

I just wish everyone went into friendships, partnerships, and relationships with this in mind.  But I’m not that naive to know, that some people aren’t authentic, will never affirm you and will never make themselves available.  Such is life, I guess.  But from now on, I will start to have much more of a keen eye for authenticity, but will still carry the belief that people are inherently good.

Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.” - Mother Theresa

What can you say about Boulder, Colorado…so many things actually…and here are a few of my favorite things…(yes, read to the Sound of Music..but think about the Gimme Gimmes doing the cover…you know to spice it up a bit!)

People on Pearl Street and real live musicians
Cool tech meetups without an admission
Tee and Cakes boxes tied up with string
These are a few of my favorite things

Pink pretty ponies and fun kids at Metzger
Finding Doyle Albee at The B Side with Fetzer
Social media experts that fly with clients on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Gwen Bell at the Cup and Dave Taylor at Starbucks
Live streaming weddings and tweeting amok
Snowboard winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When Micah bites
And his posts sting
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad!

Ok, while I’m ranting this week…let me continue with one more topic, then I will return to Jackson’s funny antics…

I, among hundreds of thousands of women, tuned into the final episode of the Bachelor last night.  I didn’t watch the whole series…but I thought I’d tune into the final episode…kinda like March Madness, it’s a long season people, give me the highlights!

Let me just start by saying, I think the whole process is stupid and rather degrading and humiliating to women.  Yes, yes, I know they have the Bachlorette too…equally humiliating and degrading if you ask me.  Why in God’s name would you sign up to be on this show???  So, the premise, as you know, is to be one of 25 women that will vie for one man’s attention, love and ultimately, his hand in marriage.

THIS IS RETARDED PEOPLE.

It reminds me of being back in junior high, ok, I don’t know about you, but I was pretty awkward and not remotely attractive.  We would stand in the gym, in our God awful gym clothes, yes, my school chose a one-piece zip up number, red polyester shorts with a red and white striped top…did I mention it was one piece?  Yeah, my ass looked fantastic! Anyway…we would line up to get “chosen” to play dodgeball or whatever the stupid game was for the hour and inevitably there would be that one person left standing…ok fine, I’ll take em.  YUCK people!  This has done nothing for our self esteem over the years.  Yet, here we are again, with a national TV show that makes women stand in a line to “get picked” to hang out with this douchebag!  Ok, he may be an alright guy, whatever, I don’t know him.

If you watched last night, he also subjected his 3 yr old son to the “choosing” process!  In a nutshell, he says, hey honey, I chose Melissa, she is great and she’ll swim with her dress on and we’ll be one big happy family, love her Ty, make her your new Mommy and then like a fly in a bug zapper, this Jason character says…uh, shit, I’m a douchebag and I don’t “feel it” gonna break up with her and pick up my plan B girl…who, by the way, is more than happy to go, ok, sweet, I’ll hang out with you, even though you humiliated me on National TV and you didn’t “choose” me! That’s a huge WTF?  But the bigger WTF, is now, he says, hey Ty, wet Melissa didn’t exactly work out….but now you should love Molly, she’s going to be your new Mommy!  Jesus, this kid is 3-what do you think is going through his head????  AND where is his birth mother and WHY doesn’t she object to him being on National TV to be used “as the cute puppy lure”, I know I would.

So all I’m saying is, I’m fairly “new” to this dating in the Millenium thing, maybe I don’t get it, clearly, I don’t get it.   I will never join a dating site, because all that equates to is standing in a cyber line, saying pick me, pick me!  I don’t want the rose or the douchebag, I especially don’t want to be humiliated…I can do that all by myself-remember, I did wear a one-piece polyester gym outfit.

Keep your rose, keep your douchebag, I think I’ll try it the old-fashion way of actually meeting someone face to face without a load of sorority sisters on my date.  I know…total troglodyte!

“Don’t say that you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Theresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein.” — H. Jackson Brown, JR.

This is going to be a rant…so if you’re not in the mood, then I suggest you opt out of reading this post.

I have to say, I am sick to death of people telling me, “they are soooo busy”, ” I have no time”, you know what that says to me?  It says, I have no time for YOU.  I have absolutely zero seconds proportioned, to take 5 of them, to send you a note, a text, a tweet whatever it the form of communication maybe, for you, because you aren’t important to me.  We live in a world of technology that moves so fast, there are no excuses in my mind.

We all have a million things happening in our lives…that is our generation, the never sit still, take downtime or breathe generation.  I have a million things happening in my life too, I am a mother of a very busy 8 year old, I have a full-time job that happens to be a 45 minute commute each way, I sit on two charity boards, and volunteer at my kid’s school.  Plus I have a house to keep, a dog to take care of…oh the dog…all the daily bullshit we have to take care of AND, I do it all by myself.  I’m not looking for an award, I’m just saying, I make the time in my day, to tell people I care about them.  To write a note, send a b-day card, and wait for it…gasp…call them and actually have a conversation.

I will always have 5 minutes for a friend, for someone I care about, for the one’s I love.  And you know what, I will also, always, have a night to go to dinner or an afternoon to walk in the park.  Because these are the memories, the moments, that make my life complete.  Spending time with people, because that’s what shapes me and my character.  I will never look back on my life and smile about the countless hours I spent working, or doing laundry, but I will look back and reflect upon the people in my life, the conversations I had and the experiences I created.

Women are inherently multi-taskers, it’s what we do…I can talk on the phone, empty the dishwasher, paint my toe nails, check my kids homework, all while throwing the tennis ball to my dog.  I can also be the best at what I do, in about 30 hours a week, some weeks more, of course.  I’m not a MENSA candidate by any stretch, but what the hell are these people doing all day long, that they have no time?  It’s just a big fucking mystery to me!

So, the next time you say to someone, I am too busy, think about that…Are you saying, hey screw you, you aren’t worth it?  Or do you think you could see time as being relative…and MAKE time for someone or something that matters to you?

Jackson turned 8 on February 7.  I really can’t believe that he is 8, seems like just yesterday I was sitting in the NICU of Sunrise hospital in Las Vegas, NV, praying that my 4lb baby, would see and hear and breathe and….live.  It’s amazing how God protects you in situations like that, situations that could be absolutely terrifying.  I had no idea, yeah, don’t judge me, but truly, I had no idea the complications that could arise from having a baby 2 months early.  I just figured, hey, I’m impatient, so is he, let’s get this show on the road.  He must be “cooked” enough…on with it!

Our lives are busy, at 31, I was on top of the world, traveling the world, booking business left and right, no end in sight.  As I was running through a hotel to meet a client in the busiest time of my industry, a man turned to me and said, you shouldn’t be running with a baby inside of you, slow down and take a breath.  I smiled as always, said, hey thanks mister and kept on running…My client greeted me with an OMG you look like shit greeting.  Thanks, one eyebrow raised?  She said, you have it all under control, go home and get off your feet.  No way, not gonna do it…because I was the BEST.  That night in a sheer panic, Chris drove pensively to the ER, where I would remain on bed rest for the next 3 weeks. Let it be known, I hate Drs., I will not under most circumstances, go to the Dr. unless my brains are coming out of my head…but I was greeted by an Angel, truly the sweetest nurse ever.  She took great care of me, assured me that being upside down on my head for 5 days was going to be REALLY fun.  It sucked, but she was still, really sweet!

The morning, Feb 6, 2001,  I begged and pleaded with my darling South African Dr to let me get out of bed and take a shower…he finally relented and said in his sexy accent (hey, I’ve been couped up in this shitty hospital for 2 weeks and 6 days, I’m allowed to think he is sexy!) shower…bed…that’s it.  Ok, I took a shower, you have no idea how great it was…then got back in bed, but I did figure out how to McGuyver the hairdryer from the bathroom to the bed so I could dry my hair-straight!  If not, I’m tellin’ you, it’s not pretty.  Approximately 12 hrs later, and two months early, I gave birth, but by God my hair looked damn good.  I didn’t get to see Jackson for a lot of hours.  When they finally showed him to me, I was so drugged up and exhausted that they could have handed me a guinea pig, I had no idea what had just happened.  And had no idea what was going to happen…

Five weeks of sitting in a NICU is a hell of a long time.  Back and forth from the house, everyday and every night, I almost can’t remember it, except for feeling really robotic.  I have a certain empathy for all kinds of mothers.  I have to say, about the worst feeling in the world, is leaving a hospital without your baby and leaving your baby in a incubator with people you don’t know, yeah their nurses, but truly, you don’t know them. And going home to try and sleep, but really tossing all night to return in the morning with baited breath, praying that he is still ok.   We had an interesting 5 weeks, Jax and I were front page of the Las Vegas Sun, starring in an article about preemies and mother’s who smoked!  Yeah, apparantely still drugged when I agreed to that.  We witnessed so many things and people and stories…although Sunrise Hospital has one of the best NICU’s in the country, it is still a seedy hospital that is a block off the strip.  Not ideal.  While we were there, babies died and we mourned w/ the parents, babies lost their breath and their eyesight and hearing…it was a tramatic five weeks.  But our little dude, he did just fine.

And amazingly, 8 years later, he is healthy, happy, smart, talented, athletic and you would never know he was a preemie.  But before he was even here and then when he arrived, all 4 lbs of him, shaped me into the person I am today.  Eight years of teaching me, to slow down, breathe…and appreciate how God protects us from situations that can be absolutely terrifying.  He might be the same angel that was in my hospital room, day and night for 3 weeks, except when his horns poke out and then I know….he is mine…and I love him all the same!